(Guest Post by Melissa Devine)
The Gist
True lasting relationships are not a "game" to be played. We all obviously agree on that. However, there is a communication process – not by manipulation – but a true way to communicate with more social intelligence and grow a relationship. Here's a little more insight:
First Thought – The Necessary Service Muscle and Reciprocal Synergy
Although relationships can be very difficult at times, they are very special and you’re thrilled and excited to be in one with the woman or man of your dreams. You often think of how you can make the best of it, and naturally service is a primary part to making it work. After all, we are taught that to serve God is to serve others and is the greatest form of charity: the pure love of Christ. Jesus Christ said, "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another." (John 13:34).
One of the strongest relationships and purest forms of love is a mother's love for her children. Why is that? Her love grows from her constant 24-7 service. I’m sure you all find this in your own lives: as you serve those around you or go on missions, you begin to sincerely love the people you serve. Naturally, you would think, “If I love someone, I should serve them to my best ability.”
That said, those who are in a relationships with very service-oriented mentalities (a well-intentioned heart/motive) find themselves not having to put in very much energy to maintain a relationship. The service-oriented partner often finds himself/herself working progressively harder to maintain the relationship and all the while feeling unappreciated.
The problem lies in that his or her partner hasn’t had to work to grow the relationship and so they don't appreciate it. They haven't served. Sometimes it is because he or she doesn't care – but other times, it is because the other person is giving so much, they may not feel the opportunity. In street talk, it’s smothering. That word sounds terrible, but let me explain. See how the Service-oriented mentality can be seen as smothering: always calling, always affectionate, always planning – these ARE good, but be careful of "saturation point." The consistency of these good things is essential for marriage, but dating has a dynamic that includes progressive measures with timing.
There’s no such thing as loving someone too much. There is such a thing, though, as too much smothering. And smothering can definitely scare someone away. It can become a problem when one partner is smothering the other by being over-bearing or controlling. Everyone needs air to breathe, but when your partner is keeping you from living your life or doing the things you've always done before you met them, this can destroy a relationship.
We all find ourselves at times throwing our hands up in the air and symbolically giving up when we don’t understand our person of interest. Relationships are complex little buggers. However, changing our perception can help. Think of relationships as an analogy of the muscles and how they respond to resistance exercise. When the muscle contracts, it shortens and pulls on the bone. To return the bone to where it started, the reciprocal muscle on the other side of the bone must contract and shorten. Muscles don't push bones, they only shorten and pull. So, it's up to reciprocal muscle groups to work together to move us back and forth. For instance, your biceps shortens and bends your arm, but it's up to the triceps on the other side of the arm to shorten and pull the bone back to its original starting position.
Essentially a "reciprocal" synergy is taking place between muscle groups much like the workings of a good relationship. Just as we know our love increases with service, our partner needs to give and serve in order have his or her love grow for us. Simple fact – you can’t exercise muscles for another person – no matter how good you are. He or she must act in order to grow. I believe this is the hard part of relationships. It takes a lot of patience and trust to honor your partner’s freedom, autonomy, comfort level, and personal space.
So what does it mean to really love someone, and when does love turn into smothering? I believe it’s a good idea to take a step back and look at how we act. You may surprise yourself. I’ve taken a lot of these smothering vs. love comments from a few articles so I can’t claim them as my own.
Smothering, ultimately, isn’t about love, but about selfishness. When you love someone, you want what’s best for the person, even if that means the relationship looks different from what you had in mind. In contrast, when you smother, you prioritize your own needs for closeness or connection, as opposed to what the other person wants or needs. This is one reason people can get scared away and run from a relationship.
So let’s look at some differences between smothering and love.
Smothering takes. It’s selfish. When you smother, you’re really not considering the other person’s feelings and desires. You may feel like you’re showing love, but if you’re being motivated by your own insecurity about the relationship or your own fears about losing this person, then you’re probably more in the smothering camp.
Love gives. It’s generous. It prioritizes the other person’s freedom and autonomy. When you love, you’re willing to do whatever is best for the person you care for, even if that means you don’t get exactly what you want, exactly when you want it.
Smothering demands. When you smother, you constantly ask about the future, insisting on specific answers and results. You also demand attention or reassurance from the other person, requiring repeated statements of proof of their commitment level or feelings for you.
Love patiently waits. When you love, you enjoy the present, allowing the other person and the relationship to progress at a comfortable pace. You wait for both of you to become ready for a certain level of intimacy, instead of asking for premature answers or commitments that can put pressure on the other person and scare him or her away.
"And, as you may have guessed, at exactly the right time when it was quite natural that it should be so, and not a moment sooner, Edmund came to speak the whole delightful and astonishing truth." – Fanny in “Mansfield Park” by Jane Austen.
Smothering disregards what another wants. When you offer continual statements of how much you care about the other person, you may feel as if you’re actually offering love and simply trying to demonstrate how strong your feelings are. But when the other person doesn’t want to hear repeated avowals of your love, you can end up coming across as needy and desperate, merely because you’re disregarding how your partner feels and what he or she wants.
Love considers and respects the other’s desires. True feelings of love don’t force themselves on another person in ways or at times that the person isn’t ready to receive them. Again, sometimes the best way to show your love is to respect the other’s wishes and allow the relationship to grow and develop more gradually. It may seem strange, but there really are times when it’s not the best idea to say “I love you” over and over again.
Smothering oppresses. It pesters and desperately grasps. It calls too often or sends too many text messages. It results from fear and can end up making the relationship feel like a prison to the other person. It’s like building a border of rocks around a campfire to contain it and to keep it from going where it would naturally go.
Love offers space, respect, and trust. Love invites the other’s truest self. It frees the other to be and act and love how the person chooses. Whereas smothering encircles and contains the fire with rocks, love kicks the rocks away, allowing the fire to burn strong and free.
"To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive – to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before." – Rollo May
Smothering tells another what to think or do. When you smother another person, you tell them who they should and shouldn’t spend time with. You check up on where they’re going. You expect them to behave in ways you want them to behave, sometimes even through manipulation.
Love respects and encourages autonomy. Loving someone means allowing others to be fully themselves. Of course it’s true that in a relationship, two people rub off on each other and help each other grow and evolve, but this process needs to be built on respect and appreciation for each person’s individuality.
Smothering is insecure. Ultimately, this is the root of smothering. It can be produced by jealousy, fear, and anxiety, and it’s one of the surest ways of driving someone away.
Love is secure. Love is emotionally strong enough to respect another person’s space and to trust that what’s meant to happen will happen.
Relationships need space and air to breathe if they’re going to survive and thrive. Smothering can therefore kill a relationship by depriving it of oxygen. So remember, there’s no such thing as loving too much. The real question you need to ask yourself is, Are my actions genuinely loving? There can sometimes be a fine line between loving and smothering, but if you want a healthy and long-lasting relationship, it’s an important one not to cross.
In your efforts to find your one, true love, be careful not to make another person feel as if he or she is being imprisoned. Remember, you’re looking for a soul mate, not a cellmate.
Other reading suggestions for service-minded mentalities:
● Allowing Others to Serve Us: http://refuge.conceptsolutionsbc.com/book-1-articles-mainmenu-28/194-humility
● Why Is It So Hard to Ask For Help: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/07/business/07shortcuts.html
Second Thought – Gender Communication Difference and Personality-Types
Females remember the pleasant memories more often. This is good news for men.
● The nature of women is to improve men in their minds when they are gone. (Absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Note: Time varies depending on the woman. She could misunderstand a man's disinterest or forget him, too.)
● Females create pleasant ideas of how things will go in the future...while men are gone.
● However, when the man is omnipresent, he doesn't allow for that time. Hence, he is unappreciated simply by being around too much. Women do need time to miss a man. Some women need more time than others. The goal is to find someone similar to your own temperament in many ways including our time-spending tolerance level.
In dealing with personality and communication traits: What's right for one person may not be right for another. There are things that are important to me, that you don't care about at all! And sometimes your behavior doesn't make any sense to me.
I’ve avoided a great deal of frustration by learning more about my own personality, and about other personality types. If anyone is confused or frustrated or simply desires a better understanding of others’ strengths and weaknesses, I would strongly encourage people to read about personality types. For quick information, a good Website: http://www.personalitypage.com/html/info.html This Website explains how you can improve interpersonal relationships, realign your expectations toward others, and gain a better self-knowledge that will help you define and achieve goals.
I dare you to find your own personality type: http://www.personalitypage.com/html/four-temps.html
Third thought – From a Religious Perspective
(Yes, I'm including the scriptures and feel slightly cheesy doing so, but hey, they're true.)
Remember when Nephi says that Ishmael and his family members' hearts were softened before Nephi and his brother approached them about coming to the wilderness. What do I get out of that? Pray like crazy that the Lord will soften the hearts of those you date. Then pray for your heart to be softened to see the good in others and to be patient.
After talking it out with the Lord, act as if it will work out. Be confident to allow necessary/essential waiting time for the other to reciprocate. Believe it will work out – that alone invokes a power to move in your favor. I can't say enough that, in other instances in my life, it has proven true.
Parting Words
Remember timing is everything. You've done everything you can. You will have to watch the Lord work.
“Therefore … let us cheerfully do all things in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.” (Doctrine & Covenants 123:17)
Trust that the Lord knows what He is doing. He is aware of you, your wants and desires. You must believe that – and then act with that belief. In sincere prayer, pour out your heart to the Lord, then listen. You will be inspired, motivated and comforted.
Melissa Devine
The Gist
True lasting relationships are not a "game" to be played. We all obviously agree on that. However, there is a communication process – not by manipulation – but a true way to communicate with more social intelligence and grow a relationship. Here's a little more insight:
First Thought – The Necessary Service Muscle and Reciprocal Synergy
Although relationships can be very difficult at times, they are very special and you’re thrilled and excited to be in one with the woman or man of your dreams. You often think of how you can make the best of it, and naturally service is a primary part to making it work. After all, we are taught that to serve God is to serve others and is the greatest form of charity: the pure love of Christ. Jesus Christ said, "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another." (John 13:34).
One of the strongest relationships and purest forms of love is a mother's love for her children. Why is that? Her love grows from her constant 24-7 service. I’m sure you all find this in your own lives: as you serve those around you or go on missions, you begin to sincerely love the people you serve. Naturally, you would think, “If I love someone, I should serve them to my best ability.”
That said, those who are in a relationships with very service-oriented mentalities (a well-intentioned heart/motive) find themselves not having to put in very much energy to maintain a relationship. The service-oriented partner often finds himself/herself working progressively harder to maintain the relationship and all the while feeling unappreciated.
The problem lies in that his or her partner hasn’t had to work to grow the relationship and so they don't appreciate it. They haven't served. Sometimes it is because he or she doesn't care – but other times, it is because the other person is giving so much, they may not feel the opportunity. In street talk, it’s smothering. That word sounds terrible, but let me explain. See how the Service-oriented mentality can be seen as smothering: always calling, always affectionate, always planning – these ARE good, but be careful of "saturation point." The consistency of these good things is essential for marriage, but dating has a dynamic that includes progressive measures with timing.
There’s no such thing as loving someone too much. There is such a thing, though, as too much smothering. And smothering can definitely scare someone away. It can become a problem when one partner is smothering the other by being over-bearing or controlling. Everyone needs air to breathe, but when your partner is keeping you from living your life or doing the things you've always done before you met them, this can destroy a relationship.
We all find ourselves at times throwing our hands up in the air and symbolically giving up when we don’t understand our person of interest. Relationships are complex little buggers. However, changing our perception can help. Think of relationships as an analogy of the muscles and how they respond to resistance exercise. When the muscle contracts, it shortens and pulls on the bone. To return the bone to where it started, the reciprocal muscle on the other side of the bone must contract and shorten. Muscles don't push bones, they only shorten and pull. So, it's up to reciprocal muscle groups to work together to move us back and forth. For instance, your biceps shortens and bends your arm, but it's up to the triceps on the other side of the arm to shorten and pull the bone back to its original starting position.
Essentially a "reciprocal" synergy is taking place between muscle groups much like the workings of a good relationship. Just as we know our love increases with service, our partner needs to give and serve in order have his or her love grow for us. Simple fact – you can’t exercise muscles for another person – no matter how good you are. He or she must act in order to grow. I believe this is the hard part of relationships. It takes a lot of patience and trust to honor your partner’s freedom, autonomy, comfort level, and personal space.
So what does it mean to really love someone, and when does love turn into smothering? I believe it’s a good idea to take a step back and look at how we act. You may surprise yourself. I’ve taken a lot of these smothering vs. love comments from a few articles so I can’t claim them as my own.
Smothering, ultimately, isn’t about love, but about selfishness. When you love someone, you want what’s best for the person, even if that means the relationship looks different from what you had in mind. In contrast, when you smother, you prioritize your own needs for closeness or connection, as opposed to what the other person wants or needs. This is one reason people can get scared away and run from a relationship.
So let’s look at some differences between smothering and love.
Smothering takes. It’s selfish. When you smother, you’re really not considering the other person’s feelings and desires. You may feel like you’re showing love, but if you’re being motivated by your own insecurity about the relationship or your own fears about losing this person, then you’re probably more in the smothering camp.
Love gives. It’s generous. It prioritizes the other person’s freedom and autonomy. When you love, you’re willing to do whatever is best for the person you care for, even if that means you don’t get exactly what you want, exactly when you want it.
Smothering demands. When you smother, you constantly ask about the future, insisting on specific answers and results. You also demand attention or reassurance from the other person, requiring repeated statements of proof of their commitment level or feelings for you.
Love patiently waits. When you love, you enjoy the present, allowing the other person and the relationship to progress at a comfortable pace. You wait for both of you to become ready for a certain level of intimacy, instead of asking for premature answers or commitments that can put pressure on the other person and scare him or her away.
"And, as you may have guessed, at exactly the right time when it was quite natural that it should be so, and not a moment sooner, Edmund came to speak the whole delightful and astonishing truth." – Fanny in “Mansfield Park” by Jane Austen.
Smothering disregards what another wants. When you offer continual statements of how much you care about the other person, you may feel as if you’re actually offering love and simply trying to demonstrate how strong your feelings are. But when the other person doesn’t want to hear repeated avowals of your love, you can end up coming across as needy and desperate, merely because you’re disregarding how your partner feels and what he or she wants.
Love considers and respects the other’s desires. True feelings of love don’t force themselves on another person in ways or at times that the person isn’t ready to receive them. Again, sometimes the best way to show your love is to respect the other’s wishes and allow the relationship to grow and develop more gradually. It may seem strange, but there really are times when it’s not the best idea to say “I love you” over and over again.
Smothering oppresses. It pesters and desperately grasps. It calls too often or sends too many text messages. It results from fear and can end up making the relationship feel like a prison to the other person. It’s like building a border of rocks around a campfire to contain it and to keep it from going where it would naturally go.
Love offers space, respect, and trust. Love invites the other’s truest self. It frees the other to be and act and love how the person chooses. Whereas smothering encircles and contains the fire with rocks, love kicks the rocks away, allowing the fire to burn strong and free.
"To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive – to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before." – Rollo May
Smothering tells another what to think or do. When you smother another person, you tell them who they should and shouldn’t spend time with. You check up on where they’re going. You expect them to behave in ways you want them to behave, sometimes even through manipulation.
Love respects and encourages autonomy. Loving someone means allowing others to be fully themselves. Of course it’s true that in a relationship, two people rub off on each other and help each other grow and evolve, but this process needs to be built on respect and appreciation for each person’s individuality.
Smothering is insecure. Ultimately, this is the root of smothering. It can be produced by jealousy, fear, and anxiety, and it’s one of the surest ways of driving someone away.
Love is secure. Love is emotionally strong enough to respect another person’s space and to trust that what’s meant to happen will happen.
Relationships need space and air to breathe if they’re going to survive and thrive. Smothering can therefore kill a relationship by depriving it of oxygen. So remember, there’s no such thing as loving too much. The real question you need to ask yourself is, Are my actions genuinely loving? There can sometimes be a fine line between loving and smothering, but if you want a healthy and long-lasting relationship, it’s an important one not to cross.
In your efforts to find your one, true love, be careful not to make another person feel as if he or she is being imprisoned. Remember, you’re looking for a soul mate, not a cellmate.
Other reading suggestions for service-minded mentalities:
● Allowing Others to Serve Us: http://refuge.conceptsolutionsbc.com/book-1-articles-mainmenu-28/194-humility
● Why Is It So Hard to Ask For Help: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/07/business/07shortcuts.html
Second Thought – Gender Communication Difference and Personality-Types
Females remember the pleasant memories more often. This is good news for men.
● The nature of women is to improve men in their minds when they are gone. (Absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Note: Time varies depending on the woman. She could misunderstand a man's disinterest or forget him, too.)
● Females create pleasant ideas of how things will go in the future...while men are gone.
● However, when the man is omnipresent, he doesn't allow for that time. Hence, he is unappreciated simply by being around too much. Women do need time to miss a man. Some women need more time than others. The goal is to find someone similar to your own temperament in many ways including our time-spending tolerance level.
In dealing with personality and communication traits: What's right for one person may not be right for another. There are things that are important to me, that you don't care about at all! And sometimes your behavior doesn't make any sense to me.
I’ve avoided a great deal of frustration by learning more about my own personality, and about other personality types. If anyone is confused or frustrated or simply desires a better understanding of others’ strengths and weaknesses, I would strongly encourage people to read about personality types. For quick information, a good Website: http://www.personalitypage.com/html/info.html This Website explains how you can improve interpersonal relationships, realign your expectations toward others, and gain a better self-knowledge that will help you define and achieve goals.
I dare you to find your own personality type: http://www.personalitypage.com/html/four-temps.html
Third thought – From a Religious Perspective
(Yes, I'm including the scriptures and feel slightly cheesy doing so, but hey, they're true.)
Remember when Nephi says that Ishmael and his family members' hearts were softened before Nephi and his brother approached them about coming to the wilderness. What do I get out of that? Pray like crazy that the Lord will soften the hearts of those you date. Then pray for your heart to be softened to see the good in others and to be patient.
After talking it out with the Lord, act as if it will work out. Be confident to allow necessary/essential waiting time for the other to reciprocate. Believe it will work out – that alone invokes a power to move in your favor. I can't say enough that, in other instances in my life, it has proven true.
Parting Words
Remember timing is everything. You've done everything you can. You will have to watch the Lord work.
“Therefore … let us cheerfully do all things in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.” (Doctrine & Covenants 123:17)
Trust that the Lord knows what He is doing. He is aware of you, your wants and desires. You must believe that – and then act with that belief. In sincere prayer, pour out your heart to the Lord, then listen. You will be inspired, motivated and comforted.
Melissa Devine
Best article ever! Thank you!
ReplyDelete