Listening: An Expression of Love.

“Hear instruction, and be wise.” (Proverbs 8:33)

“Speak, Lord; for thy servant heareth.” (1 Samuel 3:10)

I’ve got a lot on my plate today.  Really.  Forget talking with my neighbor, catching up with a roommate, calling a sibling, or writing a for-no-reason-at-all card to my parents.  There are meaningful taglines to update, deep and sincere texts to send, hectic scheduling that demand multitasking…not to mention well-pondered Twitters to, um, tweet (did I get that right?).  And sometimes I have to wonder…in the midst of all these miracles of telecommunications, am I so focused on broadcasting what I want to say that I sacrifice the quality of my personal relationships for quantity? 

The recipe for turning casual acquaintances into meaningful friendships is no secret.  In fact, it’s surprisingly simple: “There was a definite process by which one made people into friends, and it involved talking to them and listening to them for hours at a time.” (Rebecca West, Irish critic, journalist, & novelist; 1892 – 1983; italics added.)

Ah, the art of listening: that elusive skill of selfless, single-minded attention and devotion to another person that seems so out of place in our digital age.  It’s that wonderfully understated expression of love that wordlessly expresses: “Your thoughts and feelings are important to me, because you are important to me.  Thank you so very much for sharing of yourself with me.”

Dale Carnegie (yes, the Dale Carnegie) shared the following example of the love conveyed through listening:

“Listening is just as important in one’s home life as in the world of business.  Millie Esposito of Croton-on-Hudson, New York, made it her business to listen carefully when one of her children wanted to speak with her.  One evening she was sitting in the kitchen with her son, Robert, and after a brief discussion of something that was on his mind, Robert said: ‘Mom, I know that you love me very much.’ 

Mrs. Esposito was touched and said: ‘Of course I love you very much.  Did you doubt it.?’ 

Robert responded: ‘No, but I really know you love me because whenever I want to talk to you about something you stop whatever you are doing and listen to me.’” (Dale Carnegie, “How to win friends and influence people.” Simon & Schuster, Inc., New York, 1936.)

The type of listening that conveys such love is not about judging the speaker, solving his problems, correcting his errors, debating an issue, or even seeking for agreement.  It’s about striving to understand another person, to check my own emotions, thoughts and opinions in order to give his preeminence, even for a small moment. (Larry K. Langlois, "When Couples Don’t Listen to Each Other", Liahona, Oct. 1990, 19). 

Making listening more than a pause between my own statements trips me up like an electrified tripping machine in the trippiest state of the Union (Montana, in case you were wondering), and I know I’m not alone.  “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.  They’re either speaking or preparing to speak.” (Stephen R. Covey, “The 7 habits of highly effective people.” Simon & Schuster, Inc., New York, 1989)

And when all we’re doing is preparing to speak, we not only slight our love ones.  We also slight ourselves:

“The importance of listening is this. When you are not listening you are not learning. When you are not listening you are preventing opportunity. The fact that you do not listen reveals the reality that your mind is closed. When you are not listening you are preventing intelligence. When you are not listening there is nothing new, there are only your reactions. If you wish to live life to its fullest, then listening is vital.” (Paul Hegarty, The Importance of Listening, www.healthguidance.org, 27 March 2011.)

Unfortunately, so many of my communication tools today don’t allow for this kind of active listening.  Online chats and text messaging have their place, to be sure, but in the end they are multitasking tools to be used when I have neither the time, nor the inclination, to give someone my full attention.  To the extent they detract from my time to listen to those I love, I begin to live life just a little less abundantly.  Broadcasting without listening isn’t communication.  It’s just one-way noise…or like having a huge tub of Costco mango salsa, but no chips, on a Sunday afternoon (what was I thinking?!).

So here’s a sincere thank you to all the many dear friends and family who take time to listen to me.  Really, thank you for listening.  Thank you for giving me your full attention and making me feel like what I have to say, what I want to share with you, what thoughts and feelings I have, who I am, is worth your time and attention.  Shucks, I think I’ll get off this blog and thank you in person.  

And, of course, listen to what you have to say.