Earning and Giving Trust: A Face to Face Exercise in Steadfastness and Hope

There’s a wonderful guy I know by the name of Ether. He was a Mesoamerican prophet, grandson of deposed royalty, apocalyptic historian in his spare time. I’m a shameless groupie. If Ether had a t-shirt, I’d buy it. Something like: Shiz-0, Coriantumr-0, Ether-1!* But I digress…

In one of the most remarkable chapters in scripture, Ether declares that hope, derived from faith, “maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.” (Ether 12:4, italics added) One of the most profound ways in which we “glorify God” is through our careful cultivation of loving, informed, sincere relationships with one another. Just as hope forms the foundation of faith, so trust forms the foundation of these relationships. In my humble little book, “I trust you” should rank right up there with “I love you.”

To quote Dr. Elia Gourgouris, “Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship. Whether we're talking about the public trusting their elected officials, churchgoers trusting their ecclesiastical leaders, or children trusting their parents, it all comes down to trust.” (Elia Gourgouris, “Lost someone’s trust? Here are four ways to regain it.” Mormon Times, November 2009)

As mentioned in last week’s post, pouring that foundation of trust requires two. The beauty of committed and healthy interdependence simply cannot happen any other way.

Both parties need to both earn and give trust.

First, a word about earning trust: whether we’re building it from the ground up or repairing it, the basic principles are the same. To paraphrase Dr. G’s exceptional article cited above:

• “Here are four ways that relationships can be repaired, even after the trust is damaged.
• Make a conscious decision to be truthful no matter what the consequences are.
• …Become a 'promise keeper!' There's a Christian organization by that name that promotes husbands and fathers to become promise keepers…Wouldn't our society resemble Zion if we all kept our promises? The impact of just following through with our promises would literally transform all of our relationships. Think of the implications of saying something and then actually following through! Not only would trust be re-established, but relationships would thrive.
• Consistency is key to success. Far too often, you'll see someone violate another's trust and then expect that by being "good" for a short time, that they should have all of their privileges restored. Passive passage of time is not enough, but a consistent and proactive approach will do wonders. Seek to find opportunities to rebuild trust.
• …Take responsibility and make amends for the hurt and damage that have been caused. For relationships to be truly healed, forgiveness has to be extended by the offender and accepted by the offended. Since none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes, forgiveness is a necessity.  A word of caution: We cannot continue to ask for forgiveness and then revert to old habits. We need to apply the other three principles consistently and diligently — that's what sincere forgiveness looks like! As the Savior once said, 'Go and sin no more.' In this situation it's more like, 'Go and lie no more.'" (Elia Gourgouris, “Lost someone’s trust? Here are four ways to regain it.” Mormon Times, November 2009)

Now a word about the importance of giving trust:

When someone we love has hurt our faith in them, be it a parent, a spouse, a friend, an imaginary friend, etc., it can be far too easy for us to sit back and passively wait for them to “prove” themselves trustworthy anew. We comfort ourselves with the unfortunate thought that such a poisonously passive approach shields us from further disappointment. This may be partially true, but more often than not, we have resigned ourselves to being “acted upon” rather than “acting.” (2 Nephi 2:14) Denying our tremendous capacity to influence loved ones for good is a surefire recipe for personal misery, a sense of powerlessness, and relationship failure.

The following quote refers to marriage, but is applicable to just about any of life’s meaningful associations:

• “Faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things,” said Alma. “But … if ye will awake and … exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe.” (See Alma 32:21–27; italics added.) These words show us a way to develop trust—in ourselves, in our spouses, and in our Savior. We begin by having the desire to trust. Then we nurture this desire by our actions and the words—showing respect for each other, seeking and following the counsel of our spouses about decisions, speaking positively about our spouses to others, and supporting each other’s activities and interests. Before long, the seed of trust we have planted has grown and flourished and borne the sweet fruit of a happy marriage.” (Christie H. Frandsen, “Trust in Your Marriage,” Tambuli, May 1989, 25)

In addition to the respect, obedience to counsel, public praise and mutual support which Mrs. Frandsen advocates, some concluding thoughts about how we nourish (i.e. “give”) trust with “faith [and] great diligence and with patience” (Alma 32:41):

First, giving the precious gift of trust is all about perspective. If we’re looking for reasons to mistrust another person, we’re bound to find them, regardless of their actual integrity. Expectations, good and bad, color our own reality. An eye of hope and faith is essential for us to see our loved ones clearly through the mists of doubt and suspicion.

Second, trust is not “all or nothing,” “black or white;” it comes in degrees. We build as we go. Sometimes it’s inherently easier for us to trust certain individuals over others. That doesn’t make the latter inherently less trustworthy, but it does demand effort on our part. Man, there’s that “E” word again…

Third, trust in our loved ones should be generous, but not careless. I am convinced there is a soft spot in God’s heart for those whose trust has been hurt before. Our Heavenly Father does not require us to trust others blindly or foolishly. The injunction “be ye wise as serpents” comes to mind. (D&C 111:11) When we are learning to trust someone anew, Ronald Reagan’s Cold War-era arms control maxim still holds true: “Trust, but verify.” Now I’m not suggesting we go tramping through the Siberian woods overturning rocks to look for uncounted Soviet nukes…even metaphorically speaking, that’s a bit over the top. I am suggesting that we give loved ones a chance to become “promise keepers” by, among other ideas: spending quality time with each other, serving one another, making and keeping small commitments to each other, and looking for the good in each other. Verification of another’s trustworthiness only happens as we allow them to build from trust level to trust level (see point two above).

We can let doubt, skepticism, and assumptions of dishonesty slowly undermine our most treasured relationships, or we can stand up and act by both earning and giving the precious gift of trust. So living requires a series of small leaps of faith. But in the aggregate, is there any other way to truly live?

Now, everything in this post takes two. But if I were a betting man (does stock market investing count?), I would say you’re reading this post alone. So log off and reach out to someone you care about, someone you trust…or want to trust. This blog will be here next week. Hopefully, it will be your own post. But until then, there’s a husband/wife/parent/child/sibling/friend who would love to “keep it real” with you.




*And if you don’t know what I’m talking about here, pick up a copy of The Book of Mormon. You will never regret you did.