Younger siblings have a way of surprising you…and not just with water balloons. Just when your self-perceived wisdom and maturity appear poised to secure your rightful role as gracious older dispenser of all-things-illuminating, they’ll blindside you with a well-aimed spiritual insight that, to quote the Psalmist, “Rocketh thy world. Selah.”
So to you, Angela, I tip my hat for pointing out the dangers of excessive self-sufficiency and self-reliance.
Of course, self-sufficiency in moderation is wonderfully enabling. Be it physically, financially, emotionally, or…um, culinary, it places us in a position of strength and independence, a position from which we can act, not be acted upon. We are taught that “men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will…for the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves.” (Doctrine and Covenants 58:27-28; italics added) We are best able to confidently reach out to others in meaningful, sincere ways when we ourselves have experienced the sublime serenity that stems from becoming “agents unto ourselves.”
The problem arises when this healthy appreciation for self-sufficiency becomes an excessive preoccupation with independence in our relationships with others. How often do we interact with people wearing a façade of emotional and social aloofness that keeps us at an artificial distance? At a party? In the office? Around the dinner table? Sitting on the couch next to us?
Sometimes our loneliest moments occur in the company of people who are so willing to emotionally embrace us for who we are…if we’ll but open ourselves up. You might argue that truly sharing our emotions, our thoughts, our wishes and dreams with others exposes us to potential hurt. You might be right. On the other hand, how much more hurtful is a lifestyle routinely marked by dulled emotions, insubstantial conversation, and shallow relationships that gradually inure us to something more meaningful? “The more dangerous poisons are the ones that work slowly.” (I just coined that quote, Andrew Jensen, February 2011 Fidelityforlife.blogspot.com)
What’s the solution to this burgeoning cult of independence? How about interdependence?
Marion Romney taught that “there is an interdependence between those who have and those who have not. The process of giving exalts the poor and humbles the rich. In the process, both are sanctified. The poor, released from the bondage and limitations of poverty, are enabled as free men to rise to their full potential, both temporally and spiritually. The rich, by imparting of their surplus, participate in the eternal principle of giving. Once a person has been made whole, or self-reliant, he reaches out to aid others, and the cycle repeats itself.” (The Celestial Nature of Self-Reliance, Marion G. Romney, Mar 2009 Ensign)
Are we not all beggars? Isn’t there something each of us lack which those around us can give? For crying out loud, isn’t that the point of relationships in the first place…to lift each other up? I submit that we only learn how strong we can be when we allow our loved ones to help us with our weaknesses. We don't need to be needy. We don't need to be helpless. We just need to be a bit more honest in our willingness to accept help as much as we want to give it.
So what are you waiting for? Stop reading this blog. Forget that pithy Facebook tagline you had planned for today and have a heart-to-heart with an old friend. Let your husband know how he can serve you. Thank your girlfriend for all the little things she does to build you up. Dance with your daughter and share your dreams for your own family with your parents. There will be another post here next Sunday. Hopefully it will be yours. Let’s keep things real.
So to you, Angela, I tip my hat for pointing out the dangers of excessive self-sufficiency and self-reliance.
Of course, self-sufficiency in moderation is wonderfully enabling. Be it physically, financially, emotionally, or…um, culinary, it places us in a position of strength and independence, a position from which we can act, not be acted upon. We are taught that “men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will…for the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves.” (Doctrine and Covenants 58:27-28; italics added) We are best able to confidently reach out to others in meaningful, sincere ways when we ourselves have experienced the sublime serenity that stems from becoming “agents unto ourselves.”
The problem arises when this healthy appreciation for self-sufficiency becomes an excessive preoccupation with independence in our relationships with others. How often do we interact with people wearing a façade of emotional and social aloofness that keeps us at an artificial distance? At a party? In the office? Around the dinner table? Sitting on the couch next to us?
Sometimes our loneliest moments occur in the company of people who are so willing to emotionally embrace us for who we are…if we’ll but open ourselves up. You might argue that truly sharing our emotions, our thoughts, our wishes and dreams with others exposes us to potential hurt. You might be right. On the other hand, how much more hurtful is a lifestyle routinely marked by dulled emotions, insubstantial conversation, and shallow relationships that gradually inure us to something more meaningful? “The more dangerous poisons are the ones that work slowly.” (I just coined that quote, Andrew Jensen, February 2011 Fidelityforlife.blogspot.com)
What’s the solution to this burgeoning cult of independence? How about interdependence?
Marion Romney taught that “there is an interdependence between those who have and those who have not. The process of giving exalts the poor and humbles the rich. In the process, both are sanctified. The poor, released from the bondage and limitations of poverty, are enabled as free men to rise to their full potential, both temporally and spiritually. The rich, by imparting of their surplus, participate in the eternal principle of giving. Once a person has been made whole, or self-reliant, he reaches out to aid others, and the cycle repeats itself.” (The Celestial Nature of Self-Reliance, Marion G. Romney, Mar 2009 Ensign)
Are we not all beggars? Isn’t there something each of us lack which those around us can give? For crying out loud, isn’t that the point of relationships in the first place…to lift each other up? I submit that we only learn how strong we can be when we allow our loved ones to help us with our weaknesses. We don't need to be needy. We don't need to be helpless. We just need to be a bit more honest in our willingness to accept help as much as we want to give it.
So what are you waiting for? Stop reading this blog. Forget that pithy Facebook tagline you had planned for today and have a heart-to-heart with an old friend. Let your husband know how he can serve you. Thank your girlfriend for all the little things she does to build you up. Dance with your daughter and share your dreams for your own family with your parents. There will be another post here next Sunday. Hopefully it will be yours. Let’s keep things real.
I think the key phrase of Romney's point was "Once a person has been made whole, or self-reliant..." we must be independent BEFORE we can help others. I differ from you on this matter. We should not be interdependent, we should be and strive to be reliant on no man, and thus capable of serving everyman so that they to may reach the Godly goal of being free. Free from sin, free from addiction, and free from the requirement to be accepted or supported by a populous. No man who was dependent on another man could standup against popular opinion for the right.
ReplyDeleteI think you're right that personal liberty (i.e. freedom from sin, addiciton, craving for popularity, etc.) is essential to Godliness--but I also believe that the liberty to which you refer is best enabled by a healthy mixture of reliance on self and sincere emotional interaction with others. That honesty with those around us facilitates our own self-perception and sense of wellbeing. Perhaps i used Elder Romney's quote in error; I believe he was focused more on financial self-reliance than emotional. Emotionally, we could easily make the mistake of subconsciously deciding that we "need no one," in a quest for "liberating" self-reliance that ultimately isolates us from the tremendous, synergistic strength of interdependence with another person, be it parent, spouse or dear friend. I'm just sayin'...
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