Listening: An Expression of Love.

“Hear instruction, and be wise.” (Proverbs 8:33)

“Speak, Lord; for thy servant heareth.” (1 Samuel 3:10)

I’ve got a lot on my plate today.  Really.  Forget talking with my neighbor, catching up with a roommate, calling a sibling, or writing a for-no-reason-at-all card to my parents.  There are meaningful taglines to update, deep and sincere texts to send, hectic scheduling that demand multitasking…not to mention well-pondered Twitters to, um, tweet (did I get that right?).  And sometimes I have to wonder…in the midst of all these miracles of telecommunications, am I so focused on broadcasting what I want to say that I sacrifice the quality of my personal relationships for quantity? 

The recipe for turning casual acquaintances into meaningful friendships is no secret.  In fact, it’s surprisingly simple: “There was a definite process by which one made people into friends, and it involved talking to them and listening to them for hours at a time.” (Rebecca West, Irish critic, journalist, & novelist; 1892 – 1983; italics added.)

Ah, the art of listening: that elusive skill of selfless, single-minded attention and devotion to another person that seems so out of place in our digital age.  It’s that wonderfully understated expression of love that wordlessly expresses: “Your thoughts and feelings are important to me, because you are important to me.  Thank you so very much for sharing of yourself with me.”

Dale Carnegie (yes, the Dale Carnegie) shared the following example of the love conveyed through listening:

“Listening is just as important in one’s home life as in the world of business.  Millie Esposito of Croton-on-Hudson, New York, made it her business to listen carefully when one of her children wanted to speak with her.  One evening she was sitting in the kitchen with her son, Robert, and after a brief discussion of something that was on his mind, Robert said: ‘Mom, I know that you love me very much.’ 

Mrs. Esposito was touched and said: ‘Of course I love you very much.  Did you doubt it.?’ 

Robert responded: ‘No, but I really know you love me because whenever I want to talk to you about something you stop whatever you are doing and listen to me.’” (Dale Carnegie, “How to win friends and influence people.” Simon & Schuster, Inc., New York, 1936.)

The type of listening that conveys such love is not about judging the speaker, solving his problems, correcting his errors, debating an issue, or even seeking for agreement.  It’s about striving to understand another person, to check my own emotions, thoughts and opinions in order to give his preeminence, even for a small moment. (Larry K. Langlois, "When Couples Don’t Listen to Each Other", Liahona, Oct. 1990, 19). 

Making listening more than a pause between my own statements trips me up like an electrified tripping machine in the trippiest state of the Union (Montana, in case you were wondering), and I know I’m not alone.  “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.  They’re either speaking or preparing to speak.” (Stephen R. Covey, “The 7 habits of highly effective people.” Simon & Schuster, Inc., New York, 1989)

And when all we’re doing is preparing to speak, we not only slight our love ones.  We also slight ourselves:

“The importance of listening is this. When you are not listening you are not learning. When you are not listening you are preventing opportunity. The fact that you do not listen reveals the reality that your mind is closed. When you are not listening you are preventing intelligence. When you are not listening there is nothing new, there are only your reactions. If you wish to live life to its fullest, then listening is vital.” (Paul Hegarty, The Importance of Listening, www.healthguidance.org, 27 March 2011.)

Unfortunately, so many of my communication tools today don’t allow for this kind of active listening.  Online chats and text messaging have their place, to be sure, but in the end they are multitasking tools to be used when I have neither the time, nor the inclination, to give someone my full attention.  To the extent they detract from my time to listen to those I love, I begin to live life just a little less abundantly.  Broadcasting without listening isn’t communication.  It’s just one-way noise…or like having a huge tub of Costco mango salsa, but no chips, on a Sunday afternoon (what was I thinking?!).

So here’s a sincere thank you to all the many dear friends and family who take time to listen to me.  Really, thank you for listening.  Thank you for giving me your full attention and making me feel like what I have to say, what I want to share with you, what thoughts and feelings I have, who I am, is worth your time and attention.  Shucks, I think I’ll get off this blog and thank you in person.  

And, of course, listen to what you have to say.

Pressing Forward

“Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope and a love of God and of all men.” (2 Nephi 31:20; italics added.)

When Fidelity for Life experienced its conceptual genesis (i.e. when I got the idea for this blog), it was as a collaborative forum for different authors to encourage and strengthen interpersonal relationships in the digital age.  So imagine my delight when the below post came from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland (or “Righteous Dutch,” as he’s known at FfL) of the Quorum of the Twelve!

Well…admittedly, he doesn’t know about his contribution yet.  It’s still pretty early, Utah time, to be checking his favorite blogs.  But a few years ago, at Brigham Young University, he gave a beautiful address entitled “Remember Lot’s Wife,” a talk as insightful as it was…um, salty, and an inspiring guide for anyone humbly seeking to strengthen relationships with his fellow man.

“Remember Lot’s Wife” inspires us to move forward with faith and trust in God, to live in the present, to hope for the future, and to learn from, but not dwell in, the past.  It speaks of forgiving and forgetting, encouraging repentance, enabling healing, and renewing relationships, both with others and with ourselves.  It reassures us that sometimes it is necessary to “step into the dark,” hopefully together, sometimes alone (i.e. in cases where relationships are weakening our moral standards or contradicting personal revelation), but never forgetting that God’s “word is a lamp unto [our] feet, and a light unto [our] path.” (Psalms 119:105) 

Some highlights from Elder Holland’s address:

• “I just want to talk to you for a few minutes about looking back and looking ahead.”
• “It isn't just that she [Lot’s wife] looked back; she looked back longingly. In short, her attachment to the past outweighed her confidence in the future.”
• “Faith is always pointed toward the future ‐‐ faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives.”
• “There is something in us, at least in too many of us, that particularly fails to forgive and forget earlier mistakes in life ‐‐ either mistakes we ourselves have made or the mistakes of others. That is not good. It is not Christian. It stands in terrible opposition to the grandeur and majesty of the Atonement of Christ. To be tied to earlier mistakes ‐‐ our own or other people's ‐‐ is the worst kind of wallowing in the past from which we are called to cease and desist.”
• “It is not right to go back and open up some ancient wound which the Son of God Himself died trying to heal. Let people repent. Let people grow. Believe that people can change, and improve. Is that faith? Yes! Is it hope? Yes! Is it charity? Yes!”
• “God doesn't care nearly as much about where you have been as He does about where you are, and with His help, where you are willing to go.”
• “Faith is for the future. Faith builds on the past but never longs to stay there. Faith trusts that God has great things in store for each of us and that Christ is the ‘high priest of good things to come’…Keep your eyes on your dreams, however distant, and live to see the miracles of repentance and forgiveness, trust and divine love transform your life today, tomorrow and forever.” (Remember Lot’s Wife, Jeffrey R. Holland, 13 January 2009).

You can find the full text of the address here: http://speeches.byu.edu/reader/reader.php?id=12522.

So best wishes as you move forward this week, trusting in the “great things” that God has in store for you and those you love.  Enjoy the ride!  Dance with your wife/girlfriend.  Draw with your kids.  Read a good book with your husband/boyfriend.  Share some cupcakes while dodging law enforcement.  And if you have no idea what I’m talking about... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adZPYnacx4I

After all...why should "pressing forward" keep us from some unabashed innocence and fun?!*

*Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to chop some wood, change some car oil, and engage in other various manly pursuits to balance out my choice of hyper-links.

“Lord, is it I?”

Of course it’s not you…it’s that shifty-eyed son-of-a-gun Judas sitting in the corner with the bag.  The one who wanted that pound of spikenard “for the poor” so he could pocket the difference.  The one who’s not “not Iscariot.”  The one who’s not you.  Whatever is wrong, it’s not your fault.  Wherever the responsibility lies, it’s not on your doorstep.  Whoever’s to blame, it’s not you…

“Lord, is it I?” (Mark 14:19)

There’s something compelling in the Apostles’ response to the Lord’s assertion that one of them would betray Him: a humble, almost child-like introspection that sets a high bar for personal accountability.  What a wonderful lesson for anyone attempting to form, maintain, repair, or nurture a sincere, committed relationship.

 

The free agency of our friends and family is ultimately beyond our control.  Thank goodness!  After all, that wonderful individual moral liberty is what we’ve fought for since the beginning, when “the morning stars sang together, and all the sons of God shouted for joy.” (Job 38:7)  What a terrible thing to give up that liberty by shifting the responsibility onto others for the wellbeing of our most treasured relationships in life.  “Is it I?” is not so much an expression of self-doubt as it is a statement of personal empowerment, an acceptance of the responsibility each of us brings to our interactions with others.  Regardless of their decisions, we place ourselves in a position to act, to repent, to influence, to serve, to listen, to learn, to soften our hearts and see both the beauty in others and our own opportunities for growth.

If we feel like we’re powerless to improve the romantic relationships in our lives for the better; if we find ourselves with an abundance of shallow acquaintances and a dearth of committed friendships; if we seem unable to connect with the generations above and below us; maybe we’re in need of a dose of healthy, introspective Apostolic angst.  “Dad and Mom, what would you like from me?”  “Honey, what can I do?”  “Bud, am I letting you down?”  “Sister, how can I make things right?”  “Son, you’re important to me, and I’m sorry.”  

“Lord, is it I?”

In this virtual age of ours, the ability to reach out to our friends and relatives is greater than ever before, literally at the click of a button.  Be it sincere emails, shared photographs, concerned phone calls, or anonymous, internet-ordered deliveries of cookies (the soft kind, a dash of extra salt, plenty of chocolate chips…no raisins, please.  I can furnish my address as necessary.  So kind of you!), we are empowered as never before to follow the example of One who “went about doing good.” (Acts 10:38)  May we never give up that power by absolving ourselves of responsibility for the precious relationships over which Heavenly Father has given us stewardship.

“Here am I.” (Isaiah 6:8)

“What lack I yet?” (Matthew 19:20)

“Lord, is it I?”

Room to Breathe: Giving Romantic Relationships the Space to Grow

(Guest Post by Melissa Devine)

The Gist


True lasting relationships are not a "game" to be played. We all obviously agree on that. However, there is a communication process – not by manipulation – but a true way to communicate with more social intelligence and grow a relationship. Here's a little more insight:

First Thought – The Necessary Service Muscle and Reciprocal Synergy

Although relationships can be very difficult at times, they are very special and you’re thrilled and excited to be in one with the woman or man of your dreams. You often think of how you can make the best of it, and naturally service is a primary part to making it work. After all, we are taught that to serve God is to serve others and is the greatest form of charity: the pure love of Christ. Jesus Christ said, "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another." (John 13:34).

One of the strongest relationships and purest forms of love is a mother's love for her children. Why is that? Her love grows from her constant 24-7 service. I’m sure you all find this in your own lives: as you serve those around you or go on missions, you begin to sincerely love the people you serve. Naturally, you would think, “If I love someone, I should serve them to my best ability.”

That said, those who are in a relationships with very service-oriented mentalities (a well-intentioned heart/motive) find themselves not having to put in very much energy to maintain a relationship. The service-oriented partner often finds himself/herself working progressively harder to maintain the relationship and all the while feeling unappreciated.

The problem lies in that his or her partner hasn’t had to work to grow the relationship and so they don't appreciate it. They haven't served. Sometimes it is because he or she doesn't care – but other times, it is because the other person is giving so much, they may not feel the opportunity. In street talk, it’s smothering. That word sounds terrible, but let me explain. See how the Service-oriented mentality can be seen as smothering: always calling, always affectionate, always planning – these ARE good, but be careful of "saturation point." The consistency of these good things is essential for marriage, but dating has a dynamic that includes progressive measures with timing.

There’s no such thing as loving someone too much. There is such a thing, though, as too much smothering. And smothering can definitely scare someone away.  It can become a problem when one partner is smothering the other by being over-bearing or controlling. Everyone needs air to breathe, but when your partner is keeping you from living your life or doing the things you've always done before you met them, this can destroy a relationship.

We all find ourselves at times throwing our hands up in the air and symbolically giving up when we don’t understand our person of interest. Relationships are complex little buggers. However, changing our perception can help. Think of relationships as an analogy of the muscles and how they respond to resistance exercise. When the muscle contracts, it shortens and pulls on the bone. To return the bone to where it started, the reciprocal muscle on the other side of the bone must contract and shorten. Muscles don't push bones, they only shorten and pull. So, it's up to reciprocal muscle groups to work together to move us back and forth. For instance, your biceps shortens and bends your arm, but it's up to the triceps on the other side of the arm to shorten and pull the bone back to its original starting position.

Essentially a "reciprocal" synergy is taking place between muscle groups much like the workings of a good relationship. Just as we know our love increases with service, our partner needs to give and serve in order have his or her love grow for us. Simple fact – you can’t exercise muscles for another person – no matter how good you are. He or she must act in order to grow. I believe this is the hard part of relationships. It takes a lot of patience and trust to honor your partner’s freedom, autonomy, comfort level, and personal space.

So what does it mean to really love someone, and when does love turn into smothering? I believe it’s a good idea to take a step back and look at how we act. You may surprise yourself. I’ve taken a lot of these smothering vs. love comments from a few articles so I can’t claim them as my own.

Smothering, ultimately, isn’t about love, but about selfishness. When you love someone, you want what’s best for the person, even if that means the relationship looks different from what you had in mind. In contrast, when you smother, you prioritize your own needs for closeness or connection, as opposed to what the other person wants or needs. This is one reason people can get scared away and run from a relationship.

So let’s look at some differences between smothering and love.

Smothering takes. It’s selfish. When you smother, you’re really not considering the other person’s feelings and desires. You may feel like you’re showing love, but if you’re being motivated by your own insecurity about the relationship or your own fears about losing this person, then you’re probably more in the smothering camp.

Love gives. It’s generous. It prioritizes the other person’s freedom and autonomy. When you love, you’re willing to do whatever is best for the person you care for, even if that means you don’t get exactly what you want, exactly when you want it.

Smothering demands. When you smother, you constantly ask about the future, insisting on specific answers and results. You also demand attention or reassurance from the other person, requiring repeated statements of proof of their commitment level or feelings for you.

Love patiently waits. When you love, you enjoy the present, allowing the other person and the relationship to progress at a comfortable pace. You wait for both of you to become ready for a certain level of intimacy, instead of asking for premature answers or commitments that can put pressure on the other person and scare him or her away.

"And, as you may have guessed, at exactly the right time when it was quite natural that it should be so, and not a moment sooner, Edmund came to speak the whole delightful and astonishing truth." – Fanny in “Mansfield Park” by Jane Austen.

Smothering disregards what another wants. When you offer continual statements of how much you care about the other person, you may feel as if you’re actually offering love and simply trying to demonstrate how strong your feelings are. But when the other person doesn’t want to hear repeated avowals of your love, you can end up coming across as needy and desperate, merely because you’re disregarding how your partner feels and what he or she wants.

Love considers and respects the other’s desires. True feelings of love don’t force themselves on another person in ways or at times that the person isn’t ready to receive them. Again, sometimes the best way to show your love is to respect the other’s wishes and allow the relationship to grow and develop more gradually. It may seem strange, but there really are times when it’s not the best idea to say “I love you” over and over again.

Smothering oppresses. It pesters and desperately grasps. It calls too often or sends too many text messages. It results from fear and can end up making the relationship feel like a prison to the other person. It’s like building a border of rocks around a campfire to contain it and to keep it from going where it would naturally go.

Love offers space, respect, and trust. Love invites the other’s truest self. It frees the other to be and act and love how the person chooses. Whereas smothering encircles and contains the fire with rocks, love kicks the rocks away, allowing the fire to burn strong and free.

"To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive – to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before." – Rollo May

Smothering tells another what to think or do. When you smother another person, you tell them who they should and shouldn’t spend time with. You check up on where they’re going. You expect them to behave in ways you want them to behave, sometimes even through manipulation.

Love respects and encourages autonomy. Loving someone means allowing others to be fully themselves. Of course it’s true that in a relationship, two people rub off on each other and help each other grow and evolve, but this process needs to be built on respect and appreciation for each person’s individuality.

Smothering is insecure. Ultimately, this is the root of smothering. It can be produced by jealousy, fear, and anxiety, and it’s one of the surest ways of driving someone away.

Love is secure. Love is emotionally strong enough to respect another person’s space and to trust that what’s meant to happen will happen.

Relationships need space and air to breathe if they’re going to survive and thrive. Smothering can therefore kill a relationship by depriving it of oxygen. So remember, there’s no such thing as loving too much. The real question you need to ask yourself is, Are my actions genuinely loving? There can sometimes be a fine line between loving and smothering, but if you want a healthy and long-lasting relationship, it’s an important one not to cross.

In your efforts to find your one, true love, be careful not to make another person feel as if he or she is being imprisoned. Remember, you’re looking for a soul mate, not a cellmate.

Other reading suggestions for service-minded mentalities:

● Allowing Others to Serve Us: http://refuge.conceptsolutionsbc.com/book-1-articles-mainmenu-28/194-humility

● Why Is It So Hard to Ask For Help: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/07/business/07shortcuts.html

Second Thought – Gender Communication Difference and Personality-Types

Females remember the pleasant memories more often. This is good news for men.

● The nature of women is to improve men in their minds when they are gone. (Absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Note: Time varies depending on the woman. She could misunderstand a man's disinterest or forget him, too.)

● Females create pleasant ideas of how things will go in the future...while men are gone.

● However, when the man is omnipresent, he doesn't allow for that time. Hence, he is unappreciated simply by being around too much. Women do need time to miss a man. Some women need more time than others. The goal is to find someone similar to your own temperament in many ways including our time-spending tolerance level.

In dealing with personality and communication traits: What's right for one person may not be right for another. There are things that are important to me, that you don't care about at all! And sometimes your behavior doesn't make any sense to me.

I’ve avoided a great deal of frustration by learning more about my own personality, and about other personality types. If anyone is confused or frustrated or simply desires a better understanding of others’ strengths and weaknesses, I would strongly encourage people to read about personality types. For quick information, a good Website: http://www.personalitypage.com/html/info.html This Website explains how you can improve interpersonal relationships, realign your expectations toward others, and gain a better self-knowledge that will help you define and achieve goals.

I dare you to find your own personality type: http://www.personalitypage.com/html/four-temps.html

Third thought – From a Religious Perspective

(Yes, I'm including the scriptures and feel slightly cheesy doing so, but hey, they're true.)

Remember when Nephi says that Ishmael and his family members' hearts were softened before Nephi and his brother approached them about coming to the wilderness. What do I get out of that? Pray like crazy that the Lord will soften the hearts of those you date. Then pray for your heart to be softened to see the good in others and to be patient.

After talking it out with the Lord, act as if it will work out. Be confident to allow necessary/essential waiting time for the other to reciprocate. Believe it will work out – that alone invokes a power to move in your favor. I can't say enough that, in other instances in my life, it has proven true.

Parting Words

Remember timing is everything. You've done everything you can. You will have to watch the Lord work.

“Therefore … let us cheerfully do all things in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.” (Doctrine & Covenants 123:17)

Trust that the Lord knows what He is doing. He is aware of you, your wants and desires. You must believe that – and then act with that belief. In sincere prayer, pour out your heart to the Lord, then listen. You will be inspired, motivated and comforted.


Melissa Devine