Earning and Giving Trust: A Face to Face Exercise in Steadfastness and Hope

There’s a wonderful guy I know by the name of Ether. He was a Mesoamerican prophet, grandson of deposed royalty, apocalyptic historian in his spare time. I’m a shameless groupie. If Ether had a t-shirt, I’d buy it. Something like: Shiz-0, Coriantumr-0, Ether-1!* But I digress…

In one of the most remarkable chapters in scripture, Ether declares that hope, derived from faith, “maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.” (Ether 12:4, italics added) One of the most profound ways in which we “glorify God” is through our careful cultivation of loving, informed, sincere relationships with one another. Just as hope forms the foundation of faith, so trust forms the foundation of these relationships. In my humble little book, “I trust you” should rank right up there with “I love you.”

To quote Dr. Elia Gourgouris, “Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship. Whether we're talking about the public trusting their elected officials, churchgoers trusting their ecclesiastical leaders, or children trusting their parents, it all comes down to trust.” (Elia Gourgouris, “Lost someone’s trust? Here are four ways to regain it.” Mormon Times, November 2009)

As mentioned in last week’s post, pouring that foundation of trust requires two. The beauty of committed and healthy interdependence simply cannot happen any other way.

Both parties need to both earn and give trust.

First, a word about earning trust: whether we’re building it from the ground up or repairing it, the basic principles are the same. To paraphrase Dr. G’s exceptional article cited above:

• “Here are four ways that relationships can be repaired, even after the trust is damaged.
• Make a conscious decision to be truthful no matter what the consequences are.
• …Become a 'promise keeper!' There's a Christian organization by that name that promotes husbands and fathers to become promise keepers…Wouldn't our society resemble Zion if we all kept our promises? The impact of just following through with our promises would literally transform all of our relationships. Think of the implications of saying something and then actually following through! Not only would trust be re-established, but relationships would thrive.
• Consistency is key to success. Far too often, you'll see someone violate another's trust and then expect that by being "good" for a short time, that they should have all of their privileges restored. Passive passage of time is not enough, but a consistent and proactive approach will do wonders. Seek to find opportunities to rebuild trust.
• …Take responsibility and make amends for the hurt and damage that have been caused. For relationships to be truly healed, forgiveness has to be extended by the offender and accepted by the offended. Since none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes, forgiveness is a necessity.  A word of caution: We cannot continue to ask for forgiveness and then revert to old habits. We need to apply the other three principles consistently and diligently — that's what sincere forgiveness looks like! As the Savior once said, 'Go and sin no more.' In this situation it's more like, 'Go and lie no more.'" (Elia Gourgouris, “Lost someone’s trust? Here are four ways to regain it.” Mormon Times, November 2009)

Now a word about the importance of giving trust:

When someone we love has hurt our faith in them, be it a parent, a spouse, a friend, an imaginary friend, etc., it can be far too easy for us to sit back and passively wait for them to “prove” themselves trustworthy anew. We comfort ourselves with the unfortunate thought that such a poisonously passive approach shields us from further disappointment. This may be partially true, but more often than not, we have resigned ourselves to being “acted upon” rather than “acting.” (2 Nephi 2:14) Denying our tremendous capacity to influence loved ones for good is a surefire recipe for personal misery, a sense of powerlessness, and relationship failure.

The following quote refers to marriage, but is applicable to just about any of life’s meaningful associations:

• “Faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things,” said Alma. “But … if ye will awake and … exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe.” (See Alma 32:21–27; italics added.) These words show us a way to develop trust—in ourselves, in our spouses, and in our Savior. We begin by having the desire to trust. Then we nurture this desire by our actions and the words—showing respect for each other, seeking and following the counsel of our spouses about decisions, speaking positively about our spouses to others, and supporting each other’s activities and interests. Before long, the seed of trust we have planted has grown and flourished and borne the sweet fruit of a happy marriage.” (Christie H. Frandsen, “Trust in Your Marriage,” Tambuli, May 1989, 25)

In addition to the respect, obedience to counsel, public praise and mutual support which Mrs. Frandsen advocates, some concluding thoughts about how we nourish (i.e. “give”) trust with “faith [and] great diligence and with patience” (Alma 32:41):

First, giving the precious gift of trust is all about perspective. If we’re looking for reasons to mistrust another person, we’re bound to find them, regardless of their actual integrity. Expectations, good and bad, color our own reality. An eye of hope and faith is essential for us to see our loved ones clearly through the mists of doubt and suspicion.

Second, trust is not “all or nothing,” “black or white;” it comes in degrees. We build as we go. Sometimes it’s inherently easier for us to trust certain individuals over others. That doesn’t make the latter inherently less trustworthy, but it does demand effort on our part. Man, there’s that “E” word again…

Third, trust in our loved ones should be generous, but not careless. I am convinced there is a soft spot in God’s heart for those whose trust has been hurt before. Our Heavenly Father does not require us to trust others blindly or foolishly. The injunction “be ye wise as serpents” comes to mind. (D&C 111:11) When we are learning to trust someone anew, Ronald Reagan’s Cold War-era arms control maxim still holds true: “Trust, but verify.” Now I’m not suggesting we go tramping through the Siberian woods overturning rocks to look for uncounted Soviet nukes…even metaphorically speaking, that’s a bit over the top. I am suggesting that we give loved ones a chance to become “promise keepers” by, among other ideas: spending quality time with each other, serving one another, making and keeping small commitments to each other, and looking for the good in each other. Verification of another’s trustworthiness only happens as we allow them to build from trust level to trust level (see point two above).

We can let doubt, skepticism, and assumptions of dishonesty slowly undermine our most treasured relationships, or we can stand up and act by both earning and giving the precious gift of trust. So living requires a series of small leaps of faith. But in the aggregate, is there any other way to truly live?

Now, everything in this post takes two. But if I were a betting man (does stock market investing count?), I would say you’re reading this post alone. So log off and reach out to someone you care about, someone you trust…or want to trust. This blog will be here next week. Hopefully, it will be your own post. But until then, there’s a husband/wife/parent/child/sibling/friend who would love to “keep it real” with you.




*And if you don’t know what I’m talking about here, pick up a copy of The Book of Mormon. You will never regret you did.

Trust: A Light Amidst the Darkness of Doubt

Heartfelt thanks for the many wonderful responses submitted this past week. Given the apparent popularity of this topic, we may need to turn “Trust” into a two-parter. Look out next week for “Trust Episode V: Doubt Strikes Back.”

After all, what is “trust” if not faith and hope in another person? And what is the antithesis of faith and hope if not doubt? We are taught “doubt not, but be believing.” (Mormon 9:27) The following thoughts about trust and doubt were submitted by readers this past week:

“To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.” (George MacDonald) The Lord loves all of us, but look how He disposes of His trust. Think of the Parable of the Talents.

“We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.” (Walter Anderson)


“The most valuable things in life are not measured in monetary terms. The really important things are not houses and lands, stocks and bonds, automobiles and real state, but friendships, trust, confidence, empathy, mercy, love and faith.” (Bertrand Russell, English Logician and Philosopher 1872-1970)

"There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills." (Hindu Prince Gautama Siddharta, the founder of Buddism, 563-183 B.C.)


We should never sacrifice hope to bury pain. (Name withheld, "Did I Still Love Him?", Ensign, Feb. 2011, 33–35, http://lds.org/ensign/2011/02/did-i-still-love-him?lang=eng)


When I read that your topic was about trust, I thought it definitely worthy of study this week…One of the first things that came to my mind was the example of how powerful trust is on one who feels unworthy of it.

Is there anything more profoundly hopeful than the “benefit of the doubt?” If we’re always looking for reasons to doubt in our relationships, we’ll find them. It can become the paralyzing antithesis of faith. Giving others the benefit of the doubt empowers both them and ourselves. Ultimately, trust is a gift and it’s ours to give. But like any precious gift, it should never be given or earned lightly. And like any dance worth dancing, a relationship built on trust requires two.* So how do we, in this age of instant electronic communication, virtual distractions, and endemic social alienation, build and earn trust?





*Except maybe Irish clogging, “Lord of the Dance” style. C’mon…I’m not the only one who thinks this, right?

Worthy of Our Full Attention

If you have ever scanned a room on the lookout for a more “engaging” conversation while someone else is speaking to you;

If you have gone to bed wondering what it was you actually accomplished after a day laboring in a computer-dominated cubicle;

If you shy away from extended one-on-one company with others;

If you wake up late at night and indulge in copious amounts of peanut butter toast (or…maybe that’s just me);

If you always manage to put off doing important things for those you love for the sake of more “pressing” projects (which don’t get done anyway…);

Then this gem of an article by Tony Schwartz, Harvard Business Review blog, is for you:
http://blogs.hbr.org/schwartz/2011/02/take-back-your-attention.html

How many internet windows do you have open right now as you read this? I’m sure it’s all very important. I’m also willing to bet that in the next room over is a spouse, a roommate, a friend, a parent or child, or a neighbor who would treasure some of your undivided attention. So take them on a walk. Laugh over an old story. Share some cookies and milk. Rehabilitate a homeless street dog down on its luck.

But before you “go and do,” a special request. Next week’s post is all about “Trust.” Is there anything more important we can give or earn as we seek real relationships with those around us? I’ll confess, my thoughts are anything but clear on the matter, and I could use some help. Those of you willing to share your insights, please send them to fidelityforlife@gmail.com before next Saturday.

Keep it real.

The Cult of Emotional Independence

Younger siblings have a way of surprising you…and not just with water balloons. Just when your self-perceived wisdom and maturity appear poised to secure your rightful role as gracious older dispenser of all-things-illuminating, they’ll blindside you with a well-aimed spiritual insight that, to quote the Psalmist, “Rocketh thy world. Selah.”

So to you, Angela, I tip my hat for pointing out the dangers of excessive self-sufficiency and self-reliance.

Of course, self-sufficiency in moderation is wonderfully enabling. Be it physically, financially, emotionally, or…um, culinary, it places us in a position of strength and independence, a position from which we can act, not be acted upon. We are taught that “men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will…for the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves.” (Doctrine and Covenants 58:27-28; italics added) We are best able to confidently reach out to others in meaningful, sincere ways when we ourselves have experienced the sublime serenity that stems from becoming “agents unto ourselves.”

The problem arises when this healthy appreciation for self-sufficiency becomes an excessive preoccupation with independence in our relationships with others. How often do we interact with people wearing a façade of emotional and social aloofness that keeps us at an artificial distance? At a party? In the office? Around the dinner table? Sitting on the couch next to us?

Sometimes our loneliest moments occur in the company of people who are so willing to emotionally embrace us for who we are…if we’ll but open ourselves up. You might argue that truly sharing our emotions, our thoughts, our wishes and dreams with others exposes us to potential hurt. You might be right. On the other hand, how much more hurtful is a lifestyle routinely marked by dulled emotions, insubstantial conversation, and shallow relationships that gradually inure us to something more meaningful? “The more dangerous poisons are the ones that work slowly.” (I just coined that quote, Andrew Jensen, February 2011 Fidelityforlife.blogspot.com)

What’s the solution to this burgeoning cult of independence? How about interdependence?

Marion Romney taught that “there is an interdependence between those who have and those who have not. The process of giving exalts the poor and humbles the rich. In the process, both are sanctified. The poor, released from the bondage and limitations of poverty, are enabled as free men to rise to their full potential, both temporally and spiritually. The rich, by imparting of their surplus, participate in the eternal principle of giving. Once a person has been made whole, or self-reliant, he reaches out to aid others, and the cycle repeats itself.” (The Celestial Nature of Self-Reliance, Marion G. Romney, Mar 2009 Ensign)

Are we not all beggars? Isn’t there something each of us lack which those around us can give? For crying out loud, isn’t that the point of relationships in the first place…to lift each other up? I submit that we only learn how strong we can be when we allow our loved ones to help us with our weaknesses.  We don't need to be needy.  We don't need to be helpless.  We just need to be a bit more honest in our willingness to accept help as much as we want to give it.

So what are you waiting for? Stop reading this blog. Forget that pithy Facebook tagline you had planned for today and have a heart-to-heart with an old friend. Let your husband know how he can serve you. Thank your girlfriend for all the little things she does to build you up. Dance with your daughter and share your dreams for your own family with your parents. There will be another post here next Sunday. Hopefully it will be yours. Let’s keep things real.