Do They Know It?

(Guest Post by Ashley Custer)

In the past few weeks I have been shocked by the untimely deaths of two people within my circle. One was the mother of one of my childhood friends. The other was one of my professors at university and the associate dean of my department. I am simply too far away to do much for my childhood friend, but I had the opportunity to attend Alan’s funeral last week. There I not only paid my last respects to one of my favorite lecturers, but also learned more about Alan as a man. The more I heard about Alan, the more my respect for him grew. As I listened to the various tributes over the past couple of weeks, a couple of things struck me.

First, one of my professors noted that at the mini-memorial held for the department, every person who stood up spoke of Alan as a friend, not just a colleague. When I think of my relationships at the various places I have worked, I find that rather significant. How many of my colleagues have valued my friendship even more than my contribution at work? This is not to say that the workplace should be all fun and games at the expense of fulfilling my duties, of course. Yet there is something special about a person who can get the job done while building strong interpersonal ties that extend beyond the workplace.

Second, there were so many wonderful things said about Alan, about his character, his love for those around him, his talents, and his many contributions to the health field. This led me to a question that often comes at funerals: “Did he know it?” Alan struck me as a person who encouraged an environment of love and appreciation around him, so I’m sure that he had a pretty good idea of how much his associates valued him. Nevertheless, it is sadly a moot point for Alan. The real question is whether or not our family, friends, colleagues, and other associates know how much we value them? If not, why? I suspect that, while most of us are pretty decent at letting our family and close friends know how much they matter (though more certainly couldn’t hurt), we tend to fail at showing proper appreciation for those who aren’t as close to us, but are still important.

Why do we tend to hesitate or neglect to show our appreciation and love for those around us? Why do we so often wait until after they have passed on to express to others how much they meant to us instead of to the person himself when we still had time? I received the email address of my eighth grade history teacher a few months ago. I have intended to let her know I had been thinking of her and how much she blessed my life and education that year. I haven’t yet done so, even after my mother – a teacher herself – let me know that teachers simply don’t hear those things often enough. And yet, for no good reason, I have failed to take the fifteen, maybe twenty minutes to do so.

Sometimes I feel like I need to wait for an “appropriate moment” to show my appreciation, such as at a holiday or when a person has accomplished something significant. But this doesn’t really make any sense. Times where I knew, really knew, that my parents loved and valued me were often those where we would be driving to school or running errands and Mom or Dad would say, “I love you, Ashley,” or “I’m proud of you.” I hadn’t done anything special to merit such remarks. It was the very act of telling me when the comment wasn’t “deserved” or socially required that reinforced the truth so much more. Or those days when a friend would give me a compliment out of the blue, simply because they felt that way. I have treasured those sentiments that mark the daily pleasure of my friendship so much more than the ones that mark great achievements (though I certainly don’t mind those either).

Life is busy and hectic, but it certainly wouldn’t hurt me to take a few minutes here and there to let my friends and associates, both past and present, know how much I appreciate them. On the contrary, I suspect that doing so would bless my life far more than I imagine. How much brighter could I make people’s days by unexpectedly sending an email, mailing a card (oh how delightful it is to receive something other than junk and bills in the mail!), or calling them on the phone – especially when it’s from half a world away.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a long overdue email to Ms. G. to write.